I cannot tell you how utterly devastated I feel tonight……I feel as though there is one big conspiracy theory going on. If I wrote the whole sorry tale down it wouldn’t sound possible. Words fail me……..I had to sit for one and a half hours listening to utter crap……whilst that man chuckled to himself! I honestly feel as though I am in a living nightmare! Tears rolled down my cheeks whilst listening to the latest judgement and more tears and smeared mascara ran down my face on the train home. When I walked in the door I broke down only to have to pull myself together to face the children who have no idea how cruel their father is being. I still cannot believe what is happening….I feel as though I’m being punished. Yet, the guilty party seems to walk away unscathed all the time. Nothing happens to him…he is getting away with everything.
Whilst I sat there I wrote down some of the feelings that I felt, words that were uttered and actions that happened, the laughs certainly didn’t come from me:
After all this time I am still in a state of shock that the man I trusted more than anyone in the world, who I loved with all my heart, who I thought I could depend on and rely on can treat me and ultimately our children this way. Will that ever go? Will I ever understand it? 
{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
…and, reading this book should help! It explains many archetypes of bad behavior and will show you are not alone. “He’s History – You’re Not” by psychologist Erica Manfred.
Thank you….I will look into buying it.
As the poet Maya Angelo says, “when someone shows you who they really are – believe them!” You are experiencing extreme duality. Everything you know about this man is true – the good qualities and now the horrific ones. Stop holding on to who he used to be! Start believing who he is now! The sooner you process this, the sooner you will move from sad to mad. It is time to get mad! Appropriate anger will give you energy and momentum!
Onward!
I keep reading your comment…..thanks for writing what you have. It helps.
Sorry I’m so late getting here. Just to let you know I’m thinking of you. Keep fighting x
Sandy Calico´s last blog ..Baking with Baby Baby
Thank you Sandy. I appreciate it. XX
I don’t believe you will ever understand him. How can you understand someone who acts irrationally.
I am thinking of you.
Thank you…you’re right, I can’t /won’t. I have to accept that…it’s hard.
Jesus. Hope you’ve managed to draw a little strength from your family who surely at some level know who’s really on their side.
He’ll get his. I don’t believe in a metaphysical version of karma but he sounds like a man fated to die alone, surrounded by ruins and regrets.
Not a curse (I don’t do curses). Just a prediction.
Dad Who Writes´s last blog ..A nod from an old God
I believe you’re right….he will end up alone.
Feel so helpless reading this, but I also think that it will come right for you and the children one day xx
Blue Sky´s last blog ..Treasure in the Attic
Thank you…..I must keep telling myself this. XX
I don’t know what to say except, we’re here and thinking of you. Courage. xx
Thank you Helena xx
I don’t think that these things can really be understood. There is too much anger and resentment. Just taking care of yourself and not letting anger consume you is a good thing.
Syd´s last blog ..A human tidepool
It’s so hard……well for me. I’m not sure how to stop that. Sometimes i think I need to get angry….I’m too forgiving…maybe? Then when I do feel angry I can feel it eating away at me. Thank you for your words….they always help.
Sending you big hugs. I wish there was some way all your blogging friends could help. You know our thoughts are with you. Be strong. You have your wonderful children around you. Take good care of yourself and them.
Victoria´s last blog ..Lets go surfing now
Thank you….just reading my posts helps a lot. XX
Keep hanging in there hun. I’ve been through exactly those feelings. I cannot believe even now five years later the depth of cruelty my ex sank to. But the biggest difference of all is simply is he has no power to hurt me or the children any longer. Keep going. Wake yourself every morning with the affirmation – I am strong, I can cope. I deserve good things, the truth and justice. Vix xx
Vegemitevix´s last blog ..Is fidelity too much to expect
Thank you…..I will try that. xx
I’m a great believe in what goes round comes round. It might sound trite just now, but he will get what he deserves. And of course you can’t understand how cruel he is being because you’re not made of the same stuff as him. I have *some* idea of what you’re going through, my ex was unbelievably cruel and vindictive when we separated and he fair took my breath away on many occasions with his callousness. He’s still the same, but distance and the law keeps us safe now.
Take care x
notSupermum´s last blog ..Despatches from the chalkface- part 3
I’m sorry you had an awful time too…..that is my mantra I have to admit. Surely people can’t get away with being so cruel. X
Keep going, he’ll get his eventually xxx
auntiegwen´s last blog ..My name is auntiegwen
Thanks….I will. XX
Keep going. You’re doing a great job bringing up your kids. Focus on that. I’ve seen friends go through it and all of them are now much happier, independent strong women in the long run. You might not be able to see it now, now you’re in the thick of it with all the hurt and disbelief, but please believe you will.
Deer Baby´s last blog ..Finders Keepers
Thank you…recently I’ve forgotten to remind myself of the positives that have come out of this mess….I need to remember. X
BIG BIG HUGS XXXXXXXXXX
elsie button´s last blog ..Rumbled
Thank you Elsie. XX
Agree with Gigi. What a wonderful day it will be when you no longer care and I hope we are all still in your life to share in any future happiness you so deserve.
Lookingfabinyourforties´s last blog ..Project D
How long before I get there? XXX
There is nothing I can say, I feel angry that you have been so let down by the legal system xx
I can only repeat that you are a great mother and a lovely person and never forget that xx
Ruth Johnston ( Wildernesschic)´s last blog ..My Day in Pictures
This man certainly seems to be getting away with everything & that is the legal system failing. I just hope it all catches up with him. XX
No sweetie, you probably will never understand it. But one day, you won’t care anymore what he does or says. And I know I sound like a broken record – but one day, he will get what he deserves. He will. Much love. xx
Gigi´s last blog ..Its Been over A Year Really
Thank you…I hope so. It just seems such a long way off from not caring anymore. I can’t imagine ever getting over this! Stupidly.
XXX